AddictedtoText » what was i thinking?

The Truth

Shelley — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 11:11:27 +0000

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. – Marilyn Monroe

I realized after finding this that it’s exactly how it should be, if you can’t take me for who I am then you don’t deserve me in full. I feel bad that people haven’t been able to deal with it all, and I’m sorry if it was to soon but that’s how it goes.

One last goodbye

Shelley — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 03:31:56 +0000

I was sitting here just getting ready to head out the door when I realized how much I missed him. The further away I get the more I know it wasn’t going to ever be more than what it was. It started as friends moved to casual flirting and at the end it was way more than it should have been. We never touched save for a couple of times, but nothing more than friends, but the thought of him still burns inside of me. I hate that he was so close to all that i want in a man because now I’m so sad for no real reason. We didn’t date we didn’t have any real promises to one another. I don’t miss him as much as I did but times like this make me ache. Maybe it’s more than just him. It’s about missing all kinds of people, friends, lovers, family and myself. 2007 is closing and it’s been the most productive year ever.

I welcome 2008 with open arms and I hope it will do me well.

What Ever Shall i do?

shelley — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 01:57:43 +0000

I have a habit of only seeing what I want to see in the opposite sex. I see them but I excuse away the little things I shouldn’t, not like glaringly obvious (well sometimes) but little things that will hurt you in the end. I ignore what I know will hurt me and I don’t ask questions that might get answered in the wrong way. I’ve dated men for years without ever saying I love you for the fear of never hearing it back.

I hurt right now. I’m in pain and all I want to do is cry and blame someone else. I can’t do that though and I need to take the blame for my own actions. I had a feeling this would happen but I hoped it wouldn’t. How do you hope without being delusional about it? My huge capacity to Hope is my downfall every time. I have so much faith in the men that I care for that when I get hurt I fall very hard. I don’t want to be a bitter woman, or a distrusting one, I can see myself falling that way though. I’m already starting to lean that way, once someone I really could have feelings for I tend to start to sabotage myself. I talk about the pain I’ve experienced in my life in an attempt to show what I’ve been through and what I don’t want to go through again but it makes me look like a complainer and that I have issues instead of what I mean it to. I want to trust and protect myself at the same time, I just don’t know how. I want to believe that everyone in the world is as honest, as genuine and trustworthy as I hope that I am.

I’m not in the same kind of pain as I was in the past; I don’t have much to grieve for except what could have been. I’m a different person than the last time I grieved over a relationship or the promise of one. I want to take this anger, hurt, pain and sadness and use it. I want to change it into a positive and not into a sore that takes forever to heal. I don’t want to forget I just want to be able to see the reality in a situation without turning it negative.