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The Odd Year(s) March 28, 2008

In less than a month I turn 33, I’m not sure why it seems so ominous. I haven’t had too much of an issue with any of my birthday’s in my thirties. I’m not freaking out like some women do; I’m just having a little trouble figuring out how I got here and what happened to all that time? To make matters worse a lot of people from the past have been popping up lately. This is good but it makes me think about life, where I could be and where I am.

Last night I dared to brave Classmates.com and found someone who meant something to me at one time. I’ve been going through my old cards and letters from childhood to now and I found a lot of the cards and letter from my best friend from HS and it made me remember how close we were. It made me cry a little and remember when she stopped talking to me, seeing her on that site last night made me a little sad but at the same time I realized we are very different people and I can’t imagine how we could be friends now. Too much time, to much pain and too far away.

Where I am at times makes me sad until I realize that it’s my life, I love it and I can’t imagine having any other.

I’ve been thinking a lot about loss lately, with my grandmother passing and the infiltration of friends from the past and it’s interesting to see how these things effect your life. Some days I forget that she’s gone and other days it hits me hard and I don’t realize it until later, it’s this hidden pain that has been causing me to push away a lot of people I see on a daily basis. I’m numb to it though, I’ve lost a lot of friends, I’ve gained a lot of friends and it’s a cycle that keeps going on. Sometimes they come back into your life and sometimes they don’t, but it happens and I accept that. Maybe I’m just cutting to the chase, separating people from my life so it doesn’t hurt when it happens for real, I can’t tell anymore.

One of the people from the past that contacted me lately was my best friend from middle school. I remember meeting her, her grandmother was our apartment manager in the apartment my mom and I lived in when we first moved to Oregon. We were roughly the same age so it was natural we start playing together when she was visiting. We wound up moving into their neighborhood the nest school year and we were 11/12 and she introduced me to all her friends and it was great. She was there through all those life changing events you have between 11 and 13. Our first boyfriend was the same person, I was there when she had her first kiss, we would watch horrible TV together on Friday nights (I won’t say what in order to not incriminate myself, it’s bad don’t ask). We had slumber parties and pulled pranks on people. Some things are hard to remember having 20 years between then and now, I can’t remember what she was there for and what she wasn’t, think it was because she was always there. I remember when she moved away and I went to stay the night (she didn’t move far) and killing a spider with a can of hairspray because she was afraid of them and I didn’t want to squish it, so I hairsprayed it to death. I remember that same time listening to Metallica for the first time (before they were popular and when they were good). All these memories keep flooding back and it’s so weird and so familiar.

I’m glad for having people I was once close with come back into my life, it’s comforting, it feels right.

Ramblings January 17, 2008

I haven’t got any set idea for this so it might turn out to be a bit of a mishmash so bare (bear? which is it?) with me! So far 2008 has been great. It’s been full of everything good and not nearly as much bad as you’d think. Beautiful men with great kisses, kitty love, acknowledging good friends, starting exercise regimens, new knitting projects, seeing your most favorite of musical artists in concert!, sharing beautiful times with beautiful people, starting school, reconnecting with old friends. and forgiving not so old friends for their weaknesses and mine when it comes to them.

This is just a little of what’s happened in the first 17 days of the year. I can honestly say that I’m happy with life how it’s turning out so far. I have goals and way’s I’d like to see things in my life progress but I don’t want to get to far ahead of myself. Doing the “Living in the Moment” thing so many people have tried to teach me. It feels good when I can remember to do it!

I was talking to a former boyfriend recently about how we met and I realized how much I’ve changed. How bold I was then and how I’m not so bold now (with men I like) it’s kind of sad. I think that should be one of my goals this year, to not be afraid of rejection and what they think of me. I need to apply that to all areas of my life not just in dating.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Not the great post I set out to have it be, but it is what it is…

Girlfriends!!

I went to a personal development conference a few weekends ago and met a lot of really great people. I had a lot of conversations about life and whatnot as we were urged to do. One such conversation made me think about how lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do. He asked me who my best friend was and I told him that it depends. He asked me who I called when you I needed someone talk to. I told him that I had a lot of friends that I called for different reasons. I think that he found that amazing.

A while ago my friend and former Jennea and I went out with friends and drank a little to much beer so we had one of those long rambling conversations that don’t make a lot of sense but do once you really think about it. I started talking about who I’d want in my wedding party if/when I get married (it’s a girl thing) and I realized I have a lot of people I want to include in that moment in my life. I’ve never thought of myself as being someone who would have a big wedding, or a big wedding party. Can you have a small wedding with a lot of bridesmaids?

“Why are you talking about weddings” you ask? I guess it’s the best way I can think of to honor the females I’m closest to by inviting them to be witness to your most special of days. Even if I never have a wedding I’ll still always plan on who I’d want in that bridal party. I’m lucky to have such an amazing group of women I can call Friends.