What Ever Shall i do? December 19, 2007
I have a habit of only seeing what I want to see in the opposite sex. I see them but I excuse away the little things I shouldn’t, not like glaringly obvious (well sometimes) but little things that will hurt you in the end. I ignore what I know will hurt me and I don’t ask questions that might get answered in the wrong way. I’ve dated men for years without ever saying I love you for the fear of never hearing it back.
I hurt right now. I’m in pain and all I want to do is cry and blame someone else. I can’t do that though and I need to take the blame for my own actions. I had a feeling this would happen but I hoped it wouldn’t. How do you hope without being delusional about it? My huge capacity to Hope is my downfall every time. I have so much faith in the men that I care for that when I get hurt I fall very hard. I don’t want to be a bitter woman, or a distrusting one, I can see myself falling that way though. I’m already starting to lean that way, once someone I really could have feelings for I tend to start to sabotage myself. I talk about the pain I’ve experienced in my life in an attempt to show what I’ve been through and what I don’t want to go through again but it makes me look like a complainer and that I have issues instead of what I mean it to. I want to trust and protect myself at the same time, I just don’t know how. I want to believe that everyone in the world is as honest, as genuine and trustworthy as I hope that I am.
I’m not in the same kind of pain as I was in the past; I don’t have much to grieve for except what could have been. I’m a different person than the last time I grieved over a relationship or the promise of one. I want to take this anger, hurt, pain and sadness and use it. I want to change it into a positive and not into a sore that takes forever to heal. I don’t want to forget I just want to be able to see the reality in a situation without turning it negative.