The Odd Year(s)

In less than a month I turn 33, I’m not sure why it seems so ominous. I haven’t had too much of an issue with any of my birthday’s in my thirties. I’m not freaking out like some women do; I’m just having a little trouble figuring out how I got here and what happened to all that time? To make matters worse a lot of people from the past have been popping up lately. This is good but it makes me think about life, where I could be and where I am.

Last night I dared to brave Classmates.com and found someone who meant something to me at one time. I’ve been going through my old cards and letters from childhood to now and I found a lot of the cards and letter from my best friend from HS and it made me remember how close we were. It made me cry a little and remember when she stopped talking to me, seeing her on that site last night made me a little sad but at the same time I realized we are very different people and I can’t imagine how we could be friends now. Too much time, to much pain and too far away.

Where I am at times makes me sad until I realize that it’s my life, I love it and I can’t imagine having any other.

I’ve been thinking a lot about loss lately, with my grandmother passing and the infiltration of friends from the past and it’s interesting to see how these things effect your life. Some days I forget that she’s gone and other days it hits me hard and I don’t realize it until later, it’s this hidden pain that has been causing me to push away a lot of people I see on a daily basis. I’m numb to it though, I’ve lost a lot of friends, I’ve gained a lot of friends and it’s a cycle that keeps going on. Sometimes they come back into your life and sometimes they don’t, but it happens and I accept that. Maybe I’m just cutting to the chase, separating people from my life so it doesn’t hurt when it happens for real, I can’t tell anymore.

One of the people from the past that contacted me lately was my best friend from middle school. I remember meeting her, her grandmother was our apartment manager in the apartment my mom and I lived in when we first moved to Oregon. We were roughly the same age so it was natural we start playing together when she was visiting. We wound up moving into their neighborhood the nest school year and we were 11/12 and she introduced me to all her friends and it was great. She was there through all those life changing events you have between 11 and 13. Our first boyfriend was the same person, I was there when she had her first kiss, we would watch horrible TV together on Friday nights (I won’t say what in order to not incriminate myself, it’s bad don’t ask). We had slumber parties and pulled pranks on people. Some things are hard to remember having 20 years between then and now, I can’t remember what she was there for and what she wasn’t, think it was because she was always there. I remember when she moved away and I went to stay the night (she didn’t move far) and killing a spider with a can of hairspray because she was afraid of them and I didn’t want to squish it, so I hairsprayed it to death. I remember that same time listening to Metallica for the first time (before they were popular and when they were good). All these memories keep flooding back and it’s so weird and so familiar.

I’m glad for having people I was once close with come back into my life, it’s comforting, it feels right.