What Ever Shall i do?
I have a habit of only seeing what I want to see in the opposite sex. I see them but I excuse away the little things I shouldn’t, not like glaringly obvious (well sometimes) but little things that will hurt you in the end. I ignore what I know will hurt me and I don’t ask questions that might get answered in the wrong way. I’ve dated men for years without ever saying I love you for the fear of never hearing it back.
I hurt right now. I’m in pain and all I want to do is cry and blame someone else. I can’t do that though and I need to take the blame for my own actions. I had a feeling this would happen but I hoped it wouldn’t. How do you hope without being delusional about it? My huge capacity to Hope is my downfall every time. I have so much faith in the men that I care for that when I get hurt I fall very hard. I don’t want to be a bitter woman, or a distrusting one, I can see myself falling that way though. I’m already starting to lean that way, once someone I really could have feelings for I tend to start to sabotage myself. I talk about the pain I’ve experienced in my life in an attempt to show what I’ve been through and what I don’t want to go through again but it makes me look like a complainer and that I have issues instead of what I mean it to. I want to trust and protect myself at the same time, I just don’t know how. I want to believe that everyone in the world is as honest, as genuine and trustworthy as I hope that I am.
I’m not in the same kind of pain as I was in the past; I don’t have much to grieve for except what could have been. I’m a different person than the last time I grieved over a relationship or the promise of one. I want to take this anger, hurt, pain and sadness and use it. I want to change it into a positive and not into a sore that takes forever to heal. I don’t want to forget I just want to be able to see the reality in a situation without turning it negative.
the key to any strong relationship with another
human being is to have a strong relationship with yourself. that is to
say, you have to absolutely trust in your ability to rebuild, to see
the strength in yourself and to acknowledge yourself as someone who is
larger than her experiences and other people’s opinions of her, whether
they’ve been pleasant or unpleasant. the fact that you’re
self-sabotaging, to me (who is not a licensed professional), signals
that some part of you doesn’t really have that faith in yourself yet.
at the end of the day, if the rest of the world died or went to the
half-yearly sale at Nordstrom, you are still left with yourself. you
are the only person you have to answer to. and if that’s the case, who
gives a shit what other people think? make your decisions and take
actions based on how they will impact your own opinion of yourself,
because that’s the only one you will have to live with forever.
when you live as a self-contained person, the disappointment of
rejection by another tends to just…slough off. build a robust
internal life, and live for yourself and who you are becoming, and
don’t worry about whether or not some boy wants to fuck you. because
the vast majority of them are going through the same thing you are, and
aren’t ready to be what you need them to be, anyway.
my $.02. you *did* tag this “what to do.”